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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Vampire Vednesday

Y'all thought we forgot about Vampire Vednesday? It's cool though. The Dorktress is probably just trying to finish a novel, that's all. NBD. Check out this short film where the normally predatory vampire becomes the prey.




"Night of the Vampire" (2006) from Alê Camargo on Vimeo.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Virus Syndicate: Taxman

We're a gonna buy you a drank
This week we're hopping across the pond to visit Virus Syndicate. These blokes are a British grime collective, which, let's be honest, you I had no idea existed before about 15 minutes ago. Hell, I didn't even know grime was a thing, but now I do and I feel more cultured. Enlightened even. Eh, maybe that's just the NyQuil talking though.

You know Danny, maybe
if you hadn't made my
music so scary people would
have liked me more
Shut up you
Either way in 2005 Virus Syndicate  sampled one of the most prolific composers of the late 20th century on their track "Taxman". The aforementioned sample is from Danny Elfman's oscar winning Batman soundtrack. Elfman of course has composed music for so much iconic cinema it's goddamn ridiculous. Not to mention he was the lead singer and songwriter for one of the weirdest bands of the 80s, Oingo Boingo.



So right. Check out Virus Syndicate's "Taxman" below. Things get going around the 0:42 mark. So just sit back and enjoy the relaxing sound of the Batman Theme and gunshots until then.



And for all y'all haters who don't want to listen to British dudes rap, refer to Mr. Elfman on your left. These boys spit hot fire eh?

I feel like I learned something today. Do you?

Daily Dorkgasm

Wanna buy the cheapest house in Beverly Hills? Sure, it's listed as a major fixer upper, but it's under $400K on a block where all the other houses are well over a million. So the yard is over grown? So the pipes are old? So the wiring is shot? WHO CARES!?

Do you know why you want to buy this house? Do you?

You want to buy this house, because former Playboy bunny Yvette Vickers, star of Attack of the Giant Leeches was found mummified in this house. She lived here since this 50's and croaked here in 2010? 2009? Police think her body may have gone undiscovered for over a year.

And THAT is why you want to buy the cheapest house in Beverly Hills!

Tumblr Tuesday

Dynamoe, the amazing artist who allows you to once annually "Mad Men Yourself" has a couple of tumblr accounts. My favorite is Hipster Animals. It is exactly what you might imagine. It's hipster animals. What? Were you imagining something else?

Go. Look at it. Chortle. Or not, if you're, you know, like, too cool for that or something.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Daily Dorkgasm

Dear fans,

Please, one of you, get me this shirt. Ladie's fit medium.

Kthnxbye!

Mugshot Monday

The Chessboard Killer!!


Creeper
What does that mean? Oh, it just means some silly old Russian dude was trying to kill 64 people. Because you need one for each square on the chessboard, obviously! I mean, do you go about doing all your serial killing, huh? Do you have a better idea??


Seriously. Dude had a chessboard diagram in his notebook. Each square had a date (FOR A MURDER) and 61 of them were filled in. Sorry you didn't get to finish the job, buddy. Oh, wait. No I'm not. STOP KILLING PEOPLE! JEEZ!


This feller is pretty fascinating in that he killed because he freakin' loved killing. He even said, "life without killing is like life without food." Only he said it in Russian, so it looked like this, "Жизнь без убийства, как жизнь без еды". Thanks, Google Translate!


Alexander Pichushkin has an oddly adorable sounding last name for a serial killer. Seriously. Sound it out. Pich-ush-kin. Awwww! But he also was a serial killer, so shucks, right?


Pichushkin was an active murderer from 1992 until he was apprehended in 2006 (eeeek! Recent!) He killed women and children, but mostly older homeless men. He would invite people into a secluded park to drink with him, and then he was smash their heads in with a hammer. He always killed his victims from behind, to avoid getting blood on his clothes. Because laundry is the hardest part of a serial killer's day. Am I right, ladies??


After his arrest (his final victim was seen walking on a train platform with him. Pesky surveillance cameras!), Pichushkin was convicted of 48 murders, but he insisted he'd killed more and that he had attempted an even higher number.


Really, everything I could say about him is said in this way too creepy highly educational documentary. You even get to hear him talk in detail about how freakin' crazy he is.


Watch if you dare.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Want to Go to There

Star Wars Identities

The name itself has caught your attention, right? What does it even mean? Does it mean I can go back in time and be a part of Empire Strikes Back?????????

No.

But! It is a traveling exhibition that dives into the psyches of all our favorite characters.
The website for the exhibition describes it with the following lovely bullet points.

  • A vast collection of Star Wars props, costumes, models, and artwork from the Lucasfilm Archives, including iconic items like Darth Vader’s costume, the Millennium Falcon model, and Anakin’s full-sized Podracer.
  • An insightful investigation into the sciences of identity, developed by the Montréal Science Centre and a committee of scientific advisers, shedding light on what can make fictional characters who they are and what makes you you.
  • An interactive Identity Quest inviting you to create your own unique and personalizedStar Wars hero.
  • Behind the scenes insight into the creation of the characters of Star Wars and fun facts from the movie-making process.
 You wanna go, don't you? It's in Montreal from April 19, 2012 through September 16, 2012 and then in Edmonton from October 27, 2012 until I don't know when because the website doesn't say. Further research it you will!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Return to Mars

I was told there would be cake.
Wake up dorks! Shake off that leftovers hangover and get your butts in front of a screen because this morning, we're going back to Mars!

If all goes according to plan, this morning at 10:02AM EST NASA's Mars Science Laboratory will launch the newest Mars rover, Curiosity (isn't it cute?), on top of an Atlas V rocket from Cape Canaveral on a flight that will hopefully end in August 2012 with Curiosity safely on the Martian surface.

I've got a nuclear battery,
wanna fight about it?


Here's a live feed of the launch coverage. MSL also has a pretty great launch blog and website with a good overview of the mission. Space!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Daily Dorkgasm

Sorry we missed you on Turkey day. We were in a food coma.

Hopefully crazy long hair girl in this makes up for it.
x

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Stanislaw Lem Google Doodle Tribute

Perhaps the most fantastic Google doodle ever created is up on Google Poland. It honors Polish writer Stanislaw Lem writer of Return from the Stars, Solaris and about a billion other awesome things. Play with it! Teach a robot to add, it goes on forever.

Vampire Vednesday

This. Just this.

Daily Dorkgasm


Here's every video clip I could find of Muppets using their legs. Happy going-to-see-The-Muppets day!















I know there must be more clips out there. If you find them, toss them in the comments section. :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Tumblr Tuesday

It's Thanksgiving week, and I'm pretty thankful for Muppets, as I'm sure you've noticed.

I'm thankful that they sing great songs, I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to try new things, and possibly fail. I'm thankful that they appreciate humor. I'm thankful that they've existed my entire life. I'm thankful that they continued to exist even after the loss of Jim Henson (the ultimate Dead but Cool).

So of course, I'm also thankful for this week's tumblr Tuesday. Ladies and dorks, Muppet Mayhem.

Daily Dorkgasm




Making code for a living? Want to look busy without having to think?

BEHOLD! Hacker Typer! Type anything. Anything. Code pops up on your screen.

Also handy for when you make that home movie about how you're dating Lisbeth Salander.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Daily Dorkgasm

Tired of fancy graphics and lifelike avatars? Yeah, screw those!

I wanna see your pixels! All 8 bits of them!

Head on over here to the amazing AMOG where you can play Dig Dug, Galaxian, Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Ms Pac Man, Pipe Dream, and about nintey other classic thumb-trying games from the 80's and early 90's in all their old school glory.

I'm gonna be busy for the next few days...

Magestik Legend: Big Trouble In Little China

Loooower....Bit to the left...
Welcome to the Pork Chop Express, y'all! Today we're listening to a track by Astronote feat. Magestik Legend, a Detroit musician who has done a little sampling of John Carpenter's award nominated soundtrack to Big Trouble in Little China. But first.


What the shit is up with all these ridiculous hip hop names? Immortal Technique? Magestik Legend? Dudes, you write some good songs, you're making good music, but your stage names sound like awful video games. It's not even that hard. Just go here and get a new name. From now on you shall refer to me as Zack H. Gangsta Pack a.k.a. Ponderous Swoop. Was that so difficult?

 

I'm digging this a lot, but not quite as much the original movie featuring a post Escape From New York Kurt Russell and a nearly virginal Kim Cattrall. Ah memories.

   

I also happened to come across some great Big Trouble in Little China merch. You too can now look like a total badass in your own Fu Manchu tank top or Pork Chop Express shirt. And why not go and buy the blu-ray released last year or the plain old DVD to keep The Dorktress a.k.a. B Slim happy.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Muppets Are Coming!



Sorry for all the Muppet related posts as of late, but I'm stoked about the new film The Muppets which opens the day before Thanksgiving. I must figure out a way to convince my family, whom I haven't seen in almost a year, that we should spend two of our precious hours together in the dark not talking...


Anyway, how could I NOT be excited? I mean, Jason Segel co-wrote the screenplay, and I just get the impression this guy really respects the Muppets. Amy Adams is in the movie, and everyone knows that she IS a Muppet (Amy, I mean this as a compliment). And on top of that Brett McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords wrote the songs.


The parody trailers are dripping with amazingness, and then there's this.


Too great, right? Kermit's little legs! How's he ride a bike with those??

Daily Dorkgasm

Soon the entire world will only be accessible through the internet! How do I know? Because the internet told everyone that Arrested Development was the best TV show ever made. And then the internet decided that MORE Arrested Development should exist. And soon the internet will be the only place you can get the new Arrested Development. Soon all things will be just like this fabulous show in at least one sense: they will be on the internet!

The year is coming to a close and a new year will begin, but having seen the film, I think we can all just skip 2012 and go straight to DVD 2013, BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN WATCH NEW ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!


Ah, the Bluth family. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

one...
two...
three...
four...
five...
six...
seven...
eight...
nine...
ten...

gifs from the amazing Arrested Develoment Gifs Tumblr

Friday, November 18, 2011

Cuteness

This video makes me wish I had a car. And that I still watched Sesame Street.

Daily Dorkgasm

I'm sure you already heard, but holy cats I'm PUMPED about Europa. And I'm not talking about that far off land of cobblestones and street food.

Scientists at NASA have found evidence to suggest that there are LAKES (of actual water!) under the icy surface of Jupiter's moon Europa. Which means, I'm totes moving to outer space next week!

Yeah, yeah, I'd freeze to death pretty quickly, and I don't think there's the greatest atmosphere flying around out there, but all I need is water, right?

Ugh! Shut up! Quit telling me I'll never live in outer space!!!!!!!

Anyway, you can learn more about it here. I gotta go pack my space camp duffel bag.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Want to Go To There

I have a trip to the UK coming up, and I'm friggin' stoked! I've never been before, and I'm lucky enough to have some natives showing me around while I photograph EVERYTHING and force them order more fish and chips than they've ever eaten in their entire lives.

I'm going to see Buckingham Palace and Covent Garden and Piccadilly Circus and the Tower Bridge and Abbey Road and Windsor Castle and the Tate and the other Tate and maybe Catherine Tate!

But of course, there's one thing that no Whovian should skip!

"The Doctor Who Experience?" you ask. Because of its Daleks, Sontarans, and Weeping Angels???

No. That's for tourists.

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE BLUE POLICE BOX LEFT IN LONDON! So that is my "I want to go to there." It's by the Earl's Court tube station, and having never been to London, I have no idea what that means, but I WILL find it!

If an alien pops out of it, though, I am more likely to scream than to go time/space traveling...

This Man is an Amazing Pianist

Crazy man, Tom Brier sight reads a transcription of the Animaniacs Theme.


Sight reads! Cannot believe it. If you feel like giving it a go, here's the score.

Daily Dorkgasm



My mom used to always tell me about bizarre things that somehow found their ways into law books and then miraculously stayed put.

I always believed her. Then twenty minutes, for the first time in my entire life, I thought, "what if she was making that up?"

Mom, I'll never doubt you again.

And now, a collection of my favorite ridiculous laws.

  1. In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. I think this one is a little unfair, as real mustaches that cause laughter in church are still allowed.
  2. In Florida if an elephant is left chained to a parking meter, the fee must be paid just as it would be for a vehicle. This kinda makes sense.
  3. In Little Rock, Arkansas, dogs are not permitted to bark after 6:00PM.
  4. No bars or restaurants in North Dakota may serve both beer and pretzels. The pretzel only bars aren't doing so great, I'm guessing.
  5. In Louisiana, f you order a pizza to be delivered to someone without informing the recipient, you can be fined $500. (note: If I'm ever in Louisiana, and you'd like to send me pizza, I won't rat you out.)
  6. In Alabama, bear wrestling is a no-no, but incestuous marriages are totes cool....
  7. In Alderson, West Virginia, you can't walk a lion, tiger, or leopard. Even if it's on a leash. So don't even THINK about it, buddy.
  8. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish in Tennessee. But it's not illegal to try...........
  9. Oklahoma will NOT TOLERATE anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. (This is probably why Romy and Michele's High School Reunion was set in Arizona)
  10. It is illegal to fish for whales on a Sunday. In Ohio.
And since I mentioned Romy & Michele...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Vampire Vednesday

Baby vampire.

It was the most searched term on Google this past weekend, and it'll probably be popular again next weekend after Breaking Dawn opens on Friday.

But what do we really know about baby vampires? Oh sure, if you've read the Twilight "saga" you know a few things. I mean, no one doubted that they drank blood.

Anyway, though Twilight never mentions it, the technical term for a half human/half vampire (because obviously vampires can't have babies together. They are dead.) is a Dhampir (like Blade). Curious to know if your partner is a secret vampire? In case you hadn't picked up on their desire to drink warm blood or avoid garlic knots, just check to see if your baby is lacking a shadow. That's not Peter Pan! That's a DHAMPIR! Holy Crap!

Another clue your baby is a dhampir? Boneless baby. Seriously. If your baby is jelly or moves around like a Cirque du Soliel performer, you gave birth to a boneless baby vampire. Be careful during the teething stages.

But if the basic scientific laws of light still apply to your newborn, and his or her arms can't be tied in literal knots, then I guess you just have a plain old boring normal baby. Sorry.

If you desire your own baby vampire, you have options, my friend. You can go the "fake" route and purchase a Vamplet, or you can find a real vampire and procreate with it. Have fun with that one.

Miss Vicky has a baby vampire...

Bonus link.

Daily Dorkgasm

I love dogs. Particularly when they are cutely stupid.

But did you know that TONS of dogs are cutely stupid about escalators? I mean, the stairs are moving! WTF???



Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tumblr Tuesday





This week's Tumblr suggestion is When the What? It's a series of hand-drawn and written timelines. Of anything and everything. And it can easily assist you in your desire to waste your entire day on one website. Enjoy!


P.S. Don't click on this image to make it larger unless you want A Song of Ice & Fire spoilers. You've been warned.

Earth From SPACE In HD

We live on a totally awesome planet. Check out this HD time lapse video of it as seen from the ISS. You can see thunderstorms from space! Along with some other amazing things. Go and watch it on vimeo.com for full HD glory.


Daily Dorkgasm

I've been keeping a tally of my friends for a while. Now it's time to check in with the readers.
Batman vs. Darth Vader: Battle to the Death!



Monday, November 14, 2011

Tom Morgan Karma Police Cover

Amazing Australian Tom Morgan completely nails Karma Police by Radiohead on a 6-string bass.


Well done!

Mugshot Monday





Spoiler Alert - The Hunger Games


********************************
In honor of the newly release Hunger Games trailer, our Mugshot Monday this week is all about the deplorable President Snow!

President Snow has been the the leader of Panem for at least twenty-five years now, and his preferred method of killing is poison. He's murdered at least 23 children a year for the last twenty-five years, but my guess is that if you count starvation and child labor related deaths, the toll is much higher. Perhaps making him a more successful killer than any of our previous Mugshot Mondays. He's a fan of torture and manipulation with a long line of victims including the families of various Hunger Game winners and a few winners themselves. While poison is his favored murder weapon, he has also tried his hand at electrocution and even through brainwashing killing machines. Well, that one didn't really pan out, as DUH Peeta LOVES Katniss! UGH! GAH! Did you even READ the books??

So yeah, pretty shitty murderer. But fortunately he was either smooshed to death or choked on his own blood. It's a mystery. Point is - DEAD. He's dead now.

My favorite evil thing President Snow did? Whore out Finnick. I mean, can you blame him? Growl!

Enjoy the trailer, dorks!

Non Phixion: Futurama


Word up, universe!
You might not know it from 3rd Bass' 1991 single Pop Goes the Weasel, but there was actually one dude there who knew good great hip hop talent. That dude was MC Serch and he hooked up his friends Sabac, DJ Eclipse, Ill Bill and Goretex who like an urban Voltron, formed Non Phixion.

These guys have some of the smoothest flow you'll ever hear, the samples are great too. I remember hearing a bootleg tape of I Shot Reagan in college (1998? fuck!) and my tiny brain nearly exploded after hearing lyrics like:
Yeah yeah I shot Reagan, fuck a pagan
Ate falafel with Menachem Begin
Who the fuck is Carl Sagan?
Not even sure I knew what a falafel was at that point of my life, but that's not why we're here today. Today, dear readers we're gonna check out their song Futurama off their 2002 album The Future is Now. Futurama samples a frenetic string section in part of a young James Horner's Shad's Pursuit from the score to Battle Beyond the Stars (1980).

Roger Corman during production of Sharktopus (2010)
Battle Beyond the Stars isn't just your run of the mill sci-fi flick though. It's another producer's (Roger Corman) vision of what the Star Wars script could have been.




So basically, if Dickhead McShitface George Lucas didn't have a huge budget for visual effects this is the kind of thing the world would have known as Star Wars. That said, you know the story - ragtag band of goofball misfits saves the universe. Again. Except there's a snarky spaceship named Nell that looks like space ovaries who would most likely later in life marry KITT from Knight Rider.
Dramatized wedding night photos
Anyway, things have gotten way out of hand here so how about you just check out the hook, and then take a listen to the song.
Welcome to futurama, where the cyborgs will shoot your mama
A cross between Terminator 3 and Tutankhamen
This is Ill Bill reporting for a new assignment
Ready to rock with the ruger nine shining

Go buy The Future is Now, NOW!

And if you do nothing else, at least go check out this Roger Corman Plushie.


Daily Dorkgasm

I'm on an 80's hair metal kick, (Thanks, turntable) and the very best part of it is discovering the weird music videos. Including, but not limited to, this one by the heavy metal band Zebra. Because if there was ever a badass animal that total embodied all those intense heavy metal 1980's guitar solos, it was the zebra! Am I right, ladies?


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Daily Dorkgasm

I sat watching this with my mouth open. I watched the whole thing. Only twice was I distracted. By the thought, "where'd they find such a long cover of this song?"

Drool and enjoy.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Fan-gasm Friday

I love bacon. Don't you?

I know, I know. Pigs are smart and adorable, and we shouldn't eat them, and I really really do feel guilty when I think about it...but...

Pigs are also delicious. Like really, maybe the very best tasting thing in the world. I would pick bacon over ice cream any day. I'd pick bacon over cheese. I'd pick bacon over a burger. Unless the burger had bacon on it. Then I would pick that because, I mean, BACON on a BURGER!! The point is, I was eating thinking about bacon all day, and it's because I love bacon. It makes my heart clog up with fat and desire, two unstoppable forces. Which is why you could probably never stop me from eating bacon.

Cured pork belly and I go way back. When I was down in the dumps, feeling like no one understood me growing up, when I felt like no one would listen, when I thought that I would never fit in, when I was hopeless and downtrodden, I could always turn to bacon. And eat it.

Eating bacon didn't make people listen to me. It didn't even make me fit in, though all the cool kids seemed to eat bacon. What it did do, was put bacon - wonderful, delicious bacon - in my mouth. For my taste buds. To taste.

I remember the first time I made Thanksgiving dinner for my family. I put ridiculous completely necessary amounts of bacon on that turkey. And it was good. That's all.

Here are 10 reasons why I'll never stop loving bacon. With all my cholesterol-filled heart.

1. Bacon tastes better than any other food in the universe or the history of the universe.
2. Bacon shares a name with Kevin Bacon. It is always zero degrees away, and thus more of a winner than Charlie Sheen.
3. Bacon is a side dish, but can also function as a garnish, a seasoning for salad, or an entree.
4. Crispiness.
5. There's a bacon alarm clock. Here.
6. It's the best way to eat pork. Better than chops. Better than ham. Better than its Canadian cousin.
7. Other foods, Bacos in particular, are jealous of and therefore, must imitate it. It's that good.
8. It's handheld food. YOU DON'T NEED A FORK!
9. Variety. Smoked. Hickory smoked. Maple flavored. Plain. But even plain still tastes like bacon.
10. The phrase "wakey wakey, eggs and bakey [bacon, you asshole.]" Because if there was ever a valid reason to drag my sorry ass out from under the covers, it's BACON.




edit: after being down for over two months, this post is back. The offending bacon photo that used to be on this post has been removed.

Daily Dorkgasm

Behold. The Beard Slap!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Hers Day Thursday

It's Hers Day Thursday, and how better to celebrate than by watching women with crimped hair dance and smile because of tampons?