Friday, November 11, 2011

Fan-gasm Friday

I love bacon. Don't you?

I know, I know. Pigs are smart and adorable, and we shouldn't eat them, and I really really do feel guilty when I think about it...but...

Pigs are also delicious. Like really, maybe the very best tasting thing in the world. I would pick bacon over ice cream any day. I'd pick bacon over cheese. I'd pick bacon over a burger. Unless the burger had bacon on it. Then I would pick that because, I mean, BACON on a BURGER!! The point is, I was eating thinking about bacon all day, and it's because I love bacon. It makes my heart clog up with fat and desire, two unstoppable forces. Which is why you could probably never stop me from eating bacon.

Cured pork belly and I go way back. When I was down in the dumps, feeling like no one understood me growing up, when I felt like no one would listen, when I thought that I would never fit in, when I was hopeless and downtrodden, I could always turn to bacon. And eat it.

Eating bacon didn't make people listen to me. It didn't even make me fit in, though all the cool kids seemed to eat bacon. What it did do, was put bacon - wonderful, delicious bacon - in my mouth. For my taste buds. To taste.

I remember the first time I made Thanksgiving dinner for my family. I put ridiculous completely necessary amounts of bacon on that turkey. And it was good. That's all.

Here are 10 reasons why I'll never stop loving bacon. With all my cholesterol-filled heart.

1. Bacon tastes better than any other food in the universe or the history of the universe.
2. Bacon shares a name with Kevin Bacon. It is always zero degrees away, and thus more of a winner than Charlie Sheen.
3. Bacon is a side dish, but can also function as a garnish, a seasoning for salad, or an entree.
4. Crispiness.
5. There's a bacon alarm clock. Here.
6. It's the best way to eat pork. Better than chops. Better than ham. Better than its Canadian cousin.
7. Other foods, Bacos in particular, are jealous of and therefore, must imitate it. It's that good.
8. It's handheld food. YOU DON'T NEED A FORK!
9. Variety. Smoked. Hickory smoked. Maple flavored. Plain. But even plain still tastes like bacon.
10. The phrase "wakey wakey, eggs and bakey [bacon, you asshole.]" Because if there was ever a valid reason to drag my sorry ass out from under the covers, it's BACON.

edit: after being down for over two months, this post is back. The offending bacon photo that used to be on this post has been removed.


zack said...

11) Even vegetarians love bacon

Becca Anderson said...

Brilliant. If I was a vegetarian, I would wear this. But obviously I love bacon burgers as well as just bacon.

Gillian Hurst said...

Thank you for including King Curtis. Bacon is good for me!